I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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