70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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