yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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