Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
