Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
