I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
