Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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