I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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