I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
