My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
