remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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