I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
