Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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