Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
