Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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