16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
