i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
