i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
