Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
