I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
