she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He? As in you personified your dick?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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