i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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