i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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