Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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