An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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