Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Randomize
