Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
