to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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