I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
