I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
