Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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