I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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