So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
