You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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