I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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