Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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