I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
