O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
