If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
a search helicopter?!
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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