got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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