my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
