so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
