I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
