So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
