She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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