found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
