I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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