Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize