Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
