I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
