Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
This house was built for laser tag.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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