By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Life without a bra equals bliss.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
