if only i could text you this smell
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
