My friends, they love my intelligence
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize