Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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