Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
