Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
