ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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